There are worse things in life than loving a man who hates you.

Unfortunately, Walford Gallifrey can’t think of many.

Ever since a ghost from his past kidnapped his niece, Willow (THE FOUND, Crow City #2), Wally’s life has been nothing but grief, turmoil, and loss. With no idea if Willow is dead or alive, Wally’s only comfort is in caring for his grieving brother-in-law and Willow’s father, Joseph Armitage. For the past twenty years, Wally has never hoped to be anything but the backdrop to Joseph’s life; between marrying Wally’s sister and decades of mistakes building walls of enmity and resentment between them, Joseph has been firmly cemented in Wally’s mind as unattainable.

But the pain of Willow’s loss forces them to face the demons sleeping between them, find common ground—and more. Together, they explore mutual grief. Shared memories. Quiet respect. Warmth. Camaraderie. The joy of learning to live again.

And an unspoken attraction, buried beneath the scars of hurtful words and terrible missteps. 

Yet even as they work through the thorns and tangles of old wounds, Joseph has his own struggles to face. The struggle to leave his ex-wife in the past. To let his daughter go. And to trust Wally to love him, to see him as more than just his multiple sclerosis, when so many have treated him as less than a man. The only way forward for them both is forgiveness. Trust.

And a second chance to discover what it means, to truly be in love.

This is the fifth book in the series, after two novels and two novellas and the first queer one. And unlike all the previous, it's so much lighter, happier and heart-warming and how it can any other way when one the heroes is Walford Gallifrey. He brought warmth and tenderness even in the darkest moments in the previous books, so I couldn't his own story any other way. 

We get the story of two older characters, Wally - a circus ringmaster, whimsical and caring and lonely, having had a crush on Joseph since they met over 20 years ago. The other - Joseph, suffering from MS, angry, abandoned and alone. They have a history with its ups and downs, and some serious hurt of unpack and overcome. There are expectations of each other to change. And revelations, so many revelations to absorb.

Joseph has a lot to deal with, including realising he is bi but that is not what this story is about. I liked how the author didn't make this focus of the romance. It's just one aspect of his personality, yes, a bit unexpected both for him and for Wally, yet he accepts it in stride. It's just what it is and no one in the story (their friends and family) made a big deal about it. 

I really liked how the focus in their relationship was on intimacy, companionship, being together - sexually and in all other ways, in their everyday lives. It's not all smooth sailing. They keep hurting each other inadvertently, but never give up on trying. We see them learning their way around each other, how to express their love for each other, how to be there for the other in sickness and in health, in good time and bad times. 

I'm avoiding any spoilers, so let me just say we see more of Willson and Vin and Gabriel and Leigh and it's perfect!

The writing is what I have come to expect from Cole McCade - lyrical, emotional, evocative. He builds these rich, powerful images that stay with the reader long after they have finished the book.

Autumn could be read as a standalone though I definitely recommend reading the previous books in the series before it, or at least the novella, The Saved. They will give you a deeper insight into the world of Crow City and its inhabitants, including Wally and Joseph.

Title: ShatterproofAuthor: Xen Sanders
Genre: Paranormal romance, M/M, dark
Release Date: 5 Sept 2016

Trigger warnings: Depression, suicide, death
Author's links:
Website / Twitter / Facebook / Goodreads
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My rating: 4.5 Stars

Saint’s afraid to die. Grey can’t stand to live.

Grey Jean-Marcelin wants to die. He thought painting his passion—vivid portrayals of Haitian life and vodou faith—would be enough to anchor him to this world. But it isn’t. And when the mysterious man known only as Saint saves Grey from a suicide attempt, it’s more curse than blessing—until Grey discovers that Saint isn’t just an EMT. He’s a banished fae, and can only survive by draining the lives of those he loves.

All Saint needed was a simple bargain: one life willingly given for another. But as Saint’s feelings for Grey grow deeper, centuries of guilt leave him desperate to save a man who doesn’t want salvation, even if Grey’s life means Saint’s death.

When Grey’s depression consumes him, only he can decide if living is worth the struggle. Yet his choice may come too late to save his life . . . or Saint’s soul. And whatever choice he makes, it may shatter them both.

Review

Note: Xen Sanders is the pen-name of Cole McCade for his SFF and paranormal stories. I have already read and really liked his Crow City series and when I heard he will be writing SFF/paranormal romance I was curious to read it.

This story is unlike anything I've read before, contemporary romance with a touch of paranormal, dark, mystical, sad and hopeful at the same time. I can summarize my assessment of the story in two words - hauntingly beautiful.

It's like a modern retelling of ancient myths and folklore, playing with the notion of what is art/artist, what is love/life and the biggest question it explores is about the nature of death.

It's dark and scary and please take seriously the author's trigger warnings (depression, suicide, death) and if you choose to read it, be ready for some stunningly beautiful prose about the darkest and scariest depths of the human soul. 

On the surface, Shatterproof is a paranormal story, Saint it an immortal fae living among us, yet his romance with Grey was real, their struggles individually and as a couple are also far too real. The author explores painful issues like depression and suicide in what I'd consider a realistic and truthful manner (here is where I admit to having no experience with either).

I loved how the author treated his characters with so much love and sympathy that the reader can't help but feel the same for them. My heart broke repeated for both Grey and Saint. Theirs is a love story with mythical dimensions, yet an ordinary, everyday one too. 

Grey is POC, an artist of Haitian descent, very much involved with the Voodoo religion. It has a powerful presence in the story, which I found fascinating yet a bit overwhelming at times. It's presented in great detail which was challenging for me as a reader with no knowledge of it. Still, being religious myself (I'm an Orthodox Christian) I felt I could relate to Grey's approach to his faith and significance it had in his life and art. 

The writing is I have already come to expect from this author - powerful, lyrical and very evocative. Xen Sanders spins a haunting story that grips you from the first page and never lets you go.

This was not an easy read for me but it's beautiful in its darkness, captivating in its mythology and haunting in its seriousness.

My guest for Friday Favourites this week is Mr. Cole McCade. He is a new-to-me author and I first came across his writing with his post for Queer Romance Month last year. His moving piece prompted me to check out his books which finally lead me to reading The Lost and its prequel, The Fallen a few weeks ago. In short, I was blown away by these rather dark but still hopeful stories, you can read my review from earlier this week. 

Now, meet Mr. McCade himself sharing some of his favourite stuff and there are some. It was a really fascinating interview and learned so many new, curious things, and got to check out some awesome books. I hope you will enjoy it too!

1. Favourite place

Kowloon Walled City. Even though it doesn’t exist anymore; it was this fascinating warren of sunless tunnels outside of Hong Kong, a close-stacked shanty town mutated on itself and growing into this seedy tangle of neon lights and the scent of opium, turned ever inward and away from the world. I’m bloody well obsessed with it, and a little secret: I’ve started sneaking a tiny mention of it somewhere in my recent releases and in several of my upcoming titles. It’s becoming a thing. Where can I hide the Kowloon Walled City Easter egg? A YA novel I’m working is also set there, in a futuristic re-invention of the city.

2. Favourite food and drink

I’m going to show my roots a little and say my favorite food is a good beef udon bowl. Real beef udon with actual meat and vegetables, prepared properly in a restaurant; not the packaged stuff with the powdered flavor packets. There used to be this amazing sushi place near me that made the best udon bowls, but they closed down. As far as my favorite drink? Ginger green tea mixed with TY KU sake liqueur. 

3. Favourite music/genre/artist/song

Asking me this is a form of cruel and unusual punishment. I don’t really have a favorite; I listen to all kinds of music from around the world, and tend to fall in love with songs regardless of their genre. One day I might be listening to Missy Elliott; the next Jay Chou; the next the soundtrack from Sita Sings the Blues; the next Peggy Lee; the next you’ll even catch me listening to 1D before it’s on to Dir en Grey and Marilyn Manson and Melanie Martinez and Meg Myers, then Etta James, Aerosmith, Hrithik Roshan, Emalkay, Sinatra, Keith Urban, 30 Seconds to Mars, SID, Akira Yamaoka, 16Bit, Disney soundtracks, Kalafina. Though I guess when I can’t decide what I want, I fall back on The Glitch Mob as my default; their music gets inside me, especially the Drink the Sea album. I don’t know. It’s really hard to answer when all I care is that it makes me feel something deep and visceral. My writing is set to music, always, and it shapes the rhythm of the narrative and the beat of my emotions.

4. Favourite movie/TV series

Not a big TV person, honestly. I’ll leave my TV off for months, then only turn it on for background noise. I have series I’ll enjoy enough to watch again in the background while I work, like Firefly, The Walking Dead, Fringe, Dexter, SG:U, Jessica Jones, Hannibal, Darker than Black, Black Butler, Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi, Tokyo Ghoul, Shingeki no Kyojin. And I guess films like The Charge of the Light Brigade, Halo: Forward Unto Dawn, and Spirited Away. But…there’s nothing really that makes my list that I can’t live without, nothing I reference as a passionate favorite even if I appreciate the nuance and art forms of the medium. TV and films are fun and engaging when I’m in the mood for them, but it’s not something I center around any specific show or film. For me watching things is more a community activity, if that makes sense. I watch for the enjoyment of sharing the experience with other people watching these things, this mutual act of experiencing a story. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what that story is, or whether people loved or hated it. It’s a unique cultural phenomenon, a shared experience that’s evolved to become part of our daily dialogue.

5. Favourite hobby besides writing, if you consider writing a hobby

Promise you won’t laugh? Crocheting. Now, look. I suck at it. I tried to start a scarf and ended up with a weird stiff curled yarn brick. The best I can manage is a double chain; patterns and diagrams look like Greek to me. I don’t do it to make anything fancy. I will make a mile-long single chain if I need to, because it’s just…relaxing. I put the computer down, put the phone down, and suddenly my hands are busy with something that keeps me away from both, and all the problems waiting inside the window into my digital world; my subconscious mind is occupied not by the million things preying on me every day, but by the simple focus on keeping the pattern going with looping, hooking, pulling the yarn. I may never make anything more complex than a crappy square coaster so lumpy it’ll tip your drink over. I don’t need to. I still enjoy it.

Five Favorite Books

This is another one I have trouble answering; just like music, I have such deep love for the medium in all its forms that it’s hard for me to pick a limited selection of favorites. I read across genres, forms, and age groups, and fall in love with so much from so many unique writers. But…I’ll try to pick out a smattering. I’ve done top five lists like this in other interviews and ended up listing wholly different books, but…I kind of like that, actually, because it means recommending a broader list of authors.

1. SCARS by Cheryl Rainfield: This YA novel tackles a really sensitive topic, self-harm in teens, and does it in an unflinching and yet sympathetic way. It’s beautifully written, sucking you in with gorgeously emotional words. It’s not an easy read, but it’s a necessary one. And it introduced me to Cheryl Rainfield in general; she’s a wonderful author, someone who writes on things that might frighten other people. Dedicated to her craft, skillful with words…and she’s an amazing person, too, constantly seeking to help and support other people. I’d really recommend checking out HUNTED and STAINED, too.

2. IDORU by William Gibson: My computer science teacher gave this book to me in high school, and I kind of maybe forgot to give it back. It was the first book I’d read in English that made me feel so at home with its portrayal of a futuristic Japan and Japanese culture as part of a connected global culture, at once alien and familiar. It’s brilliant sci-fi with a touch of prophetic realism and a dash of cyberpunk and a strange feel of mysticism, and it also taught me that it’s not wrong to tell an adult story mostly from the POV of a teen. (I was young, this was the nineties—I was still gaining exposure to books and what had been successfully done before.) I think in a lot of ways it shaped how I write sci-fi, especially the stories I’m working on set in Asian cultures. And it was the first time I’d ever heard of Kowloon Walled City, beginning an obsession that’s continued throughout my life.

3. SO YOU WANT TO BE A WIZARD by Diane Duane: Oh god, this book. The whole series of books, the Young Wizards series, just…thrilled me when I was a boy. I love Diane Duane’s writing; it’s lyrical, enchanting, smart. She made science out of magic and made magic into a science, and gave me brainy, wonderful characters from mixed cultures and backgrounds. These are the books I recommend to people who naysay MG and YA and say they’re not smart enough. They’re a gateway drug, intriguing and well-plotted, and can entrance people into setting aside their preconceptions and discovering the wonderful stories waiting on the 18 and below shelves. Nita and Kit are the best protagonists, and their friendship is this wonderfully complex thing that sees them through so many issues and world-shaking adventures. And I’ll confess: I’d peek on the shelves, looking for my own copy of the wizard’s manual, hoping maybe one day I’d crack open the book and find not a story, but an instruction manual for the magic I felt every time I stepped into Duane’s world. She also writes adult fiction; she’s contributed several Star Trek novels, and she started the Omnitopia series with OMNITOPIA DAWN. I had some issues with OMNITOPIA DAWN, but it was still a great read.

4. UNDER THE DOME by Stephen King: I hate this book. I love this book. I hate it again. I can’t stop reading it. The ending makes me want to burn every Stephen King book I own. I have it in hardcover, paperback, and audiobook. It’s the same for me with almost every Stephen King book, honestly, even if I’m not a fan of his work in recent years. Under the Dome is the last book of his that’s given me what I call the King Feeling: I completely and utterly loathe his characters and characterization, and I really want to know what happens to them and how this story turns out. I think what was unique to me with this one was that I didn’t hate his protagonist, Dale Barbara (Barbie for short). He normally writes the ugliness of the everyman, bringing out the nastier side of people with a sort of vicious glee, but Dale Barbara was the kind of quiet, unassuming, common-sense guy that I can really get behind. He kind of felt like me when I usually read a King story: shaking his head at what all these reprehensible, selfish, bizarre people around him are doing. And I know that doesn’t tell you much about the book, but it’s hard to explain. It’s a long, long book told in bits and puzzle pieces, a skein that slowly winds one thread after another together into a noose that’s part choking horror, part strangling sci-fi, but all about just how broken human nature can be. If you’ve seen the TV mini-series…it’s not that. Not even close. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but the book was better.

5. MAIA by Richard Adams: Yes, that Richard Adams—the author of WATERSHIP DOWN and THE PLAGUE DOGS. This is an old book, and it shows. It’s not for the impatient. It’s not a quick read, with the paperback edition breaking 1,000 pages. It’s not what you would call a romance, this story of a simple peasant girl kidnapped into the life of a concubine in a fictional empire that reflects a dozen ancient cultures…but there’s still a deeply romanticized storyline as we watch this unassuming girl used as a political tool by the colder and cannier people around her, and yet still she never stops hoping to find something good, to make a life for herself outside of these political machinations. And in the end there is a lovely romantic storyline, woven in among sin and intrigue, decadence and murder, war and the history of a strange and shattering nation. It’s the kind of slow-paced storytelling I love, immersive in a deep world of historical fiction with a tiny touch of fantasy magic. I own every edition: every cover, in hardback and paperback; even the library dust jacket versions. It was recently released in e-book, and I bought that too. I don’t think many people would share my love of it, but that’s okay. Sometimes I don’t like it either, which is why sometimes it makes my top five lists and sometimes it doesn’t. I have to be in the mood for it…but when I am, it’s wondrous.

Author Bio and Links 

By day, Cole McCade is a mild-mannered, grouchy, cynical, misanthropic corporate consultant. By night he becomes Nightwing. Well, maybe not. By night he does, however, become an author. Romance, erotica, sci-fi; diverse settings and diverse characters from a diverse author.

Mid-thirties. Coffee addict. Cat lover. Bibliophile. Technophile. Definite sapiophile. Native Southerner without the Southern accent. Runner. Multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, multi-lingual mess. Bisexual/queer. Intersectional feminist. Outspoken introvert. Country boy turned city suit. Collector of weird, obscure, or out-of-print books. Aficionado of late-night conversations over live music in seedy bars. Browncoat who can’t decide if he has a bigger crush on Kaylee or Zoe, or Simon or Cap’n Tightpants.

Fascinated by human sociology, and particularly by the psychology of sex and gender – and their effect on relationship expectations, the culture of dating, and what it means to fall in love.

Website / Facebook / Fan Group / Twitter / Goodreads

Cole McCade latest release is The Fallen, a prequel to The Lost, and it's available for FREE! I just reviewed both books (actually, it's a few paragraphs on The Fallen but I loved that book so much. It's a powerfully written dark story, not really a romance but a story of coming back to life, learning to love/value/just be yourself again). 

Blurb 

Gabriel Hart is a broken man.

And everyone close to him dies.

His military unit. His sister. His parents. Everyone he's come to care for has been taken from him, leaving him with nothing but a crippling war injury, a Vicodin addiction, and a scraggly, chewed-up rag of a cat. It's enough to make anyone want to check out. And when he holds his service pistol in his hand and presses it against his temple, for the first time in a long time the world feels right.

But he's not as alone as he thinks. And when grizzled bar owner Gary challenges him to honor his sister's memory by repairing her houseboat before he gives up on life, he discovers she left more for him than her belongings. And her letters lead him on a trail through discovering himself, discovering what he truly wants...and discovering that he has the strength to choose his own path.

Purchase links (Free): Amazon / Amazon.co.uk / B&N / iBooks / Smashwords

Synopsis

There's something wrong with Leigh.

She's known it her whole life. She knows it every time she spreads her legs. Every time she begs for the pain, the pleasure, the heat of a hard man driving deep inside. She's a slave to her own twisted lusts--and it's eating her alive. She loves it. She craves it. Sex is her drug, and she's always chasing her next fix. But nothing can satisfy her addiction, not even the nameless men she uses and tosses aside. No one's ever given her what she truly needs.

Until Gabriel Hart.

Cold. Controlled. Impenetrable. Ex-Marine Gabriel Hart isn't the kind of man to come running when Leigh crooks her pretty little finger. She loathes him. She hungers for him. He's the only one who understands how broken she is, and just what it takes to satisfy the emptiness inside. But Gabriel won't settle for just one night. He wants to claim her, keep her, make her forever his. Together they are the lost, the ruined, the darkness at the heart of Crow City.

But Leigh has a darkness of her own. A predator stalking through her past--one she'll do anything to escape.

Even if it means running from the one man who could love her...and leaving behind something more precious to her than life itself.

My first book by this author and I'm impressed with his writing and brave to tackle a very dark topic. Before I start this review, a few words of caution. This is a very dark read despite the HEA. It's triggery for a lot of things and though I recommend reading it, still you need to take heed of all the aujtor's warnings at the beginning.

I loved how rich and evocative the writing is despite the rather bleak and desparate tone of the story. I rarely have a clear vision of the characters I'm reading about but here, Mr. McCade described them all in such a vivid way that I had a picture of them in my mind almost from the very beginning. Crow City was also strongly prensent in this story, not just a background to the events, but a force that shapes the characters in many ways. The whole story read very much like a movie too, with richly drawn atmosphere and very, very strong actors' play.

The whole story is told from Leigh's POV of view and being in her head was quite an adventure. There is some going back and forth in time but all the events are told as if happening now, right before our eyes and that made them even more disturbing. The abuse was really graphically presented and I admit that a particular scene was too much for me and I had the skim over some of it.

The suspense plot is also well drawn and some twists and secrets kept me guessing to the end.

I have to admit I have mix feelings about both Leigh and Gabriel. I don't think either of them is the good character in this story. On the surface he is like the knight in shining armour, albeit a little broken himself, who saves the little lost princess. In really neither of them is a princess or a noble knight. They are two people who have both suffered terrible things which have marked and changed them forever.

Some things in Leigh's character remained a mystery for me and I'm not sure how they fit with her character. I don't really know if it's author's failure to convince me they are an intrinsic part of her nature or it's my own inability to make sense of them but I really felt ambiguous about her at times. I liked her and sympathised with her but I also couldn't fully understand some of her decisions and actions.

Same goes for Gabriel. We see less of him and only from Leigh's perspective and I liked a lot about him but some of his actions also seemed questionable to me and left me feeling unsettled.

(Side note: I strongly recommend to read the prequel, The Fallen, which tells the story of Gabriel before he meets Leigh in The Lost. I enjoyed this short novella even more than the full-length novel and feel it gives us an invaluable insight into Gabriel's heart and mind. It's can also be triggery to some people, so approach with caution but still, I loved everything in it - the plot itself, the writing style, the way it fits and complements The Lost.)

I have some other minor quibbles - there were repetitions and I have a major objection to a particular plot point involving Leigh and her son. Still, there are a lot of strong points in this story and despite or rather because of its difficult subject matter, I think it's a worthy read.

There is a lot of violence and abuse and emotional and physical hurt in this story but they are explored in depth without being romanticised or glorified. This book is not perfect, yet it's brave and real and made me think a lot of thoughts for days after I finished it. And that is not something I can say of many of the romances I read!

Purchase links: Amazon / B&N / iBooks / Smashwords